The new book, Marry Him: the case to settle for Mr. Good Enough, was a humiliating and shocking experience, but I’m so happy. Gottlieb is a single mother who wanted a biological child at 37 and had one alone. Her new book takes a closer look into modern relationships and dates. She wrote a story in the Atlantic about the idea of being a single mom trying to date. Now, let’s get something straight here before you are all on her face about her controversial title.
“There is an enormous difference between compromise and settlement,” Gottlieb told me on the phone. Pick the next guy from Match.com and marry him; I don’t want to have the pick. I say you don’t have anything else to do if you don’t want to. But if it doesn’t work and why Mr. Right hasn’t met you yet, consider searching for the essential qualities. You can find someone you’re pleased with and falls in love with. These guys are around you, but you’re not giving them a chance. You could pass tons of Mr. Rights. And you’re going to go out with all the Mr. Wrongs. What you wear or do on a date is not healthy. You can still have the fairy tale, but the media portray the fairy tale differently. We also have the same unrealistic marriage expectations. Marijes said this book improves the appreciation of their husbands.”
Here is what many individual women are doing to reconsider:
1. We feel entitled.
*Divine Love: “Women try to make each other good friends. We say, this is what you deserve, you are so great! You’re so good! You’re so good! Any man can be fortunate!’ [Men don’t tell each other that.] But we also are human, and we’re not perfect, and for the rest of his life, someone will have to put up with us. And we forget about that. My dating coach said, write down all the reasons that a guy doesn’t want to date. I didn’t believe that at first; I had that much because you thought you were an excellent catch. He said that what you believe is peculiar, enthusiastic, and cute is nervous. But he’d love you so much that he’d ignore it. And there are things in him that you need to overlook. All must compromise. All must compromise.”
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2. We think we have unlimited options.
Love of God: “You enter a shop and know you want a pull, and this outfit needs to be put on, and this color needs to be, and you want to be for sale. But if there is anything better out there, you find something great, so you continue to search. Finally, it was so much better than the one you would originally have bought after three weeks of searching for the perfect sweater? If you think you have unlimited choices for your entire life, you’re going to keep looking; who wouldn’t you? Whether it’s men’s or sweaters…”
3. We’re judgmental.
Love of God: “Women judge them so much, the guys I interviewed for the book. Women gave me three hundred reasons for not going with a guy on a second date, and men gave me three. When men are prepared at this stage of life, they find someone good enough to be in love with, but they might not appear as superficially attractive to the outside world—perhaps they are not as complete or funny as the last girl. He does anything he sees in her. Guys, don’t sit down and microscope a woman like a woman with a man. He knew she wasn’t as hot as he dated the last girl, but it’s all right. She’s hot enough; she’s hot enough.”
4. We’re pickier than men.
Love of God: “Online dating is based on objective criteria (height and sports nut) as opposed to subjective (attraction), which can not be judged until the person is met. Please don’t make assumptions or dismiss them for one thing that you read other people’s profiles. You may be in love with a guy who wrote that Madonna loves him, but you cannot love a guy who is not kind.”
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5. We go for the alpha males.
Love of God: “You get lots of maximizers [people who are looking for something better over their shoulder] in ambitious places, type A, moving people like in NYC and L.A. with the entertainment and Wall Street companies. Max women maximize men’s date. In a bad and unhealthy manner, they are just as cute. The men who are ready and want to commit themselves and who are clever, funny, and nice—perhaps one guy is a little shorter, he doesn’t get the women. It may not initially be smooth or in large groups, but it’s individual. This is the type of people, you will be glad when you are 35, 45, 55, and the person who is very charming and has a crowd of women in the party, maybe he will not make a husband as good as he is. Perhaps he won’t call you back. The man will be judgmental and cute, and who wants that?”
6. We think, “I love me more.”
Love of God: “We do not need a person. We do not need a person. We do not. We do not. But if you want to and do that, I love me more,” [what Samantha said during the movie Sex and City after a hot man was dumped, and a women audience was cheered by cancer]] Well, the relationship has to do with reciprocity, so you need to love yourself and to love someone else. Women are empowering with the message of Samantha. This is the dangerous message if you’re not willing to be alone—perhaps Samantha does.”
7. We think he needs to share every interest.
Love of God: “We say, but he doesn’t read, I’m a writer! I am creative.” I am creative. However, people can be creative, and because he does not read the same books that you do, well, he may want somebody to talk to, but you’re not this person. They can be creative in different ways. The guy has not to go shopping at a single stop. You won’t all share interest, and that’s all right. The common interest ought to be: Do we want the same things out of life? Are we both now want to be married?”