Sharon Rosenblatt, 31, communications director in Connecticut, had a similar experience to my customers. “Seven years I have been using online dating,” she said. “It’s been fun at times, but it’s been time-consuming and tiring, too. To be discouraged is easy.”
This conclusion is endorsed by research. An online study carried out by the Pew Research Center in 2013 found that one-third had never met anyone, and three-quarters had not established a connection. Moreover, almost half of messages on dating apps have never been reciprocated, and only 1.4 percent of app conversations have led to an exchange of telephone numbers. Not only you, therefore; very few app exchanges lead to a face-to-face meeting.
How can you improve your chances without burning out a partner online? Some strategies based on psychological science and my therapy work could help here:
Figure out your motives for online dating and be honest about them
This may seem obvious: aren’t all of us using online data to find love, or perhaps only a hookup? The answer turns out to be far more complicated. Studies show that people use socialization applications to avoid loneliness, anxiety, or forbearance. Others use it for fun, socialization, self-esteem, trend, and excitement. And some people’s curiosity about who’s out there.
Why should you use online dating? Are you there to distract from destructive emotions, have fun, or find a serious partner? It is not yourself that the point is made in this clarification, but to be honest with you.
To be honest with others is also essential. You may be worried that revealing your true intentions will limit or distinguish you from other online dating companies. But your goals will likely leave you with unfulfilled needs, incomprehension, and little energy to try.
Adele d’Arc, a medical psychologist in Washington for thirty years, said: “If you know clearly what you want and what your expectations are and are brave to communicate them. You’ll have a much better chance of finding a partner.” When Rosenblatt became honest about what she wanted and valued, she told me, “I have stopped wasting time and opened a way for everyone to find a partner.”
Suppose you think that you are ready to maintain a genuine relationship, date with a goal. Make sure your photographs are flattering but not too obvious, and you don’t have grammatical errors in your profile. Instead of generic one-liners, send individual messages. And answer within a fair amount of time – research shows that it is challenging to play without success.
Of course, I want to introduce myself in the best light. But if you begin to hide characteristics and interests that you fear will be negatively perceived, your chances of success are sabotaged. The aim is not to get the most matches but to attract the people that are well suited to what you are. Your conjecture of how (un) attractive others might find is that, a conjecture.
Research shows, for instance, that highlighting unusual or rare interests leads to more successful online dating, so trying to look like everybody else doesn’t pay. And a recent study has shown that highly educated women are not punished by Tinder against popular belief. “I was myself what worked for me — quirky, stupid, intelligent. This led me to a marvelous person who appreciates all these qualities and who has spent two years together,” Rosenblatt said.
Finally, you run the risk that a face-to-face meeting will go very badly if you are entirely deceiving your online profile or text. But even small omissions or enhancements — common to studies — are not likely to work in your favor because a relationship that admits or condones a lie is not something anyone wants to begin.
So ask your friends and family to explain your qualities and characteristics, combine them with an open self-evaluation, and create an authentic profile. Joanne Davila, Professor of Clinical Psychology at Stony Brook University and a co-author of The Thinking Girl’s Guide to the Right Guy, suggests that “Show social anticipations, and leave your traits to speak for themselves.”
Limit time spent on apps and the number of people you correspond with at any given time
It is important to remember that online dating is designed to be addictive — you can continue to use longer-match sites to click—the greater your chance to make you money through ads or subscriptions or additional features. The ease of use of the sites, the endless stream of profiles, and the intermittent reward of a classic match or a message can cause you to frequently swipe through or spend hours browsing profiles. However, are not always more choices better.
Too many options often overwhelm people even if they can’t understand it. According to a 2016 research note from Cowen and Co, an average user of Tinder swipes 140 profiles per day. A study carried out in 2019 by Dutch researchers Tila Pronk and Jaap Denissen of the University of Tilburg found that online data processors were more likely to reject more profiles, which they called “rejection mentality.” “Their unhappiness with the dating pool increases and they are very pessimistic about their chances of finding a partner online when people notice that they reject more and more profiles,” says Pronk. You can take steps to avoid being pessimistic and overwhelmed. First, how long you scroll through the online profiles before they are overloaded, irritated, or exhausted. Then choose 15 minutes shorter and choose a time of day when you can give this process your full attention. Only once a day should your online database searches occur. “So, even while considering the short profile of each potential partner, you can be fully present and give every new partner an unmistakable attention.”
If you are not getting enough suitable matches, relax your criteria and initiate contact.
Research shows that men and women are more likely than they are to pursue people online. Selecting and contacting attractive and wealthy online data agents will be significantly higher.
We will most likely alter our conduct based on clues at a bar or party in the environment; for instance, it is unlikely for one-fourth to try his luck if three men try to talk to a beautiful woman. But online, “the context is not in place, and the price of rejection is low, and thus we continue to reach the stars,” says Paul Eastwick, an associate professor of physics at Davis University of California and associate research researcher. The problem is, we could pass on people who are not compliant but who do not meet our criteria on paper. “Compatibilities are easily collected face-to-face, which we might call ‘click.’ Our idea of what we like quickly leads us to feel about the person,” said Eastwick.
If you think your dating pickings online are slim or you meet people with whom you don’t click, try to broaden or change your criteria. For example, if you’re in another part of town, you can extend the age range of potential matches or swipe.
Meet online matches in person as soon as possible
The two most common complaints I hear from online dating companies are frustrated by how rarely they meet someone and how much more rarely they like people. Research shows that after the first real-life meeting, interest generally falls. This is especially true when there are more than three weeks of online communication. Eastwick explains that we are not good at predicting who we want personally and that unrealized, idealized expectations arise from an extended texting period.
Come and meet your potential match as soon as you are comfortable that your safety is not at risk. This also has the advantage of reducing or expose any disappointment with the online presentations. If the person you meet refuses or, as often happens, evades the appeal or continues to postpone, it’s time to proceed. Fast.